Far away at the edge of the Solar System. There was Neptune, Lord and King of All Seas, distancing himself from dark brother Pluto and Sky Father Uranus. Surely tired of their company, Neptune wanted to preview the next edition of the only festival humans still involve him in anymore in peace and quiet. He was pleased to see the Startlist: four former Tour winners, all the best Classics men, and two or three top notch sprinters all lining up for his Race between the Two Seas: Tirreno-Adriatico. The look of the stage profiles pleased him: well-crafted finishes all. And all the race previews were hyping up the race well…except for one.
“Well, this irks me,” King Neptune said. “What is this Cycling Odysseys podcast? Who is this Patrick Santino ant? A podcast named for that horrid Odysseus? That wily trickster already has an epic composed by the famous Homer immortalizing his journey, and O! how I hate such a tale! Over and over I must hear the part where he painfully blinds my beloved son, Polyphemus, the giant with one eye. O! That ruthless Odysseus or Ulysses—whatever you call him nowadays—how I loathe the man for what he did to my cyclops. I would not mind finding out Dante was right, that this Odysseus is so very deep down in that ultimate Inferno. It is bad enough there is a famous American General and President, and modern Irish novel continuing the legacy of the name in its Latinized form, but now there are podcasts containing his name too? This podcast has barely any reach at all, but still this nags at me. Right within this Tirreno preview, this Santino author dares to say my Tirreno-Adriatico has not as thrilling or dynamic racing as the French Paris-Nice rival. What audacity he has! He is as foolish as a mosquito trying to suck the blood of Achilles’ impenetrable flesh above the heel. Does he not think all these riders would not love to win such a special Blue Jersey and the Golden Trident I painstakingly craft each year myself by hand? I will put this upstart in his place. I will make him rue the day he badmouthed my race. First, I shall send no precipitation to his “beloved” Paris-Nice. Next…I will put on the best Tirreno-Adriatico of all time just to spite him, and I will do it by having all his favorite riders put on a show worthy of Cycling’s Golden Age struggles that ensued between Coppi and Bartali, Kubler and Koblet, Bobet and Gaul race after race.
“Let’s see, where to begin? A flat sprint for Stage 1? Ah, let’s begin things with a bang. The fast spritely Pocket-Rocket Caleb Ewan (Lotto Soudal) is here. Surely he is the favorite for the day, but to see him win would be too predictable for this Cycling Odysseys critic. Let’s take the man he so obviously raves about most, surely he must be his favorite rider at the moment or close to it: Wout Van Aert (Jumbo-Visma), yes, yes, he is the protected rider for the team, and he has the speed. Should I have archrival Mathieu Van Der Poel (Alpecin-Fenix) up there too to really make this an epic sprint for the ages? No, let’s leave Van Der Poel on his leadout duties for today, just to see if he is any good at such things.” (AUTHOR’S NOTE: It appears Van Der Poel is not a good lead out man because he is too strong, the sprinter behind cannot follow his powerful surges up the peloton to get into better position for the final sprint). “Anyways, yes, let’s have Wout beat the Pocket-Rocket Ewan on a dead straight flat sprint: Wout does not need to look pretty, he needs not to be aerodynamic or have any real zip, let’s have him win simply by pure power and strength alone.
“Now, on to Stage 2. Yes, the finish looks mouth-watering: who is it best suited to? Surely Wout and Mathieu will be eyeing it well, but how about we have the fun begin from further out…since this Santino critic says such things rarely happen. Hmm, how about I help these Ineos Grenadiers live up to their off-season Brazilian headline. There are no Brazilians on the team, but a Colombian and former Tour winner should do fine to send on the attack like the Brazilians who play the beautiful game. Yes, Grenadier Egan Bernal, you shall attack and capitalize on your strong Strade podium. No matter if you are brought back too soon, just get the hard racing in your legs this week for the Giro d’Italia to come. Let’s see, let’s not let things calm down when Bernal is brought back into the fold: how about a strong late breakaway of top names. Here, this quartet will do: Simon Yates (Team BikeExchange) who loves the Italian races so, Mikel Landa (Bahrain Victorious) always a strong bull, Pavel Sivakov to give the Grenadiers more representation, and Joao Almeida (Deceuninck-Quickstep) who always fights so bravely. Let’s see. Let’s see. There is a final climb for a couple of kilometers, let’s finally have them get caught on that. Let brave Almeida remind us of his Giro gallantry he showed last year, let’s not have him caught until a couple hundred meters from the line—fighting to stay away for every last meter. How about we have Geraint Thomas (Ineos Grenadiers) chase him down just to show off again the power and strength that won him the 2018 Tour de France. And then, hmmm, Van Aert must be up there because not only will he want the stage, he’ll want bonus seconds for the General Classification (the GC). It looks like Van Der Poel shall have himself out of position again, but let’s have him do a really good surging sprint at the finish. But to have Van Aert or Van Der Poel win here would be too predictable once again, let’s have that other great showman take this one ahead of this world class cyclocross pair: Quickstep’s Julian Alaphilippe—what does the Cycling Odysseys ant call him, the Musketeer—the Champion of the World wearing his Rainbow Jersey.
“Now, let’s have this Alaphilippe Musketeer shake up the next Stage 3 as well. Let’s have Quickstep set a pace up this finishing ramp or drag—whatever it is—so that is too hard for the pure sprinters. There, there, let’s have Alaphilippe’s Quickstep teammate Zdenek Stybar—another Cyclocross World Champion—leadout Alaphilippe for this twisting final kilometer. Hmmm, hmmm, Stybar shall be going well, let’s add another little trick and a twist. Yes, Julian Alaphilippe, why not? You shall try it. Just let go. Let go of Stybar’s wheel for he is going O! so fast, this could be a good win for him. See if Van Aert and Van Der Poel will just take the bait and burn the energy chasing him down. Wout Van Aert will, because he is more concerned with Bonus Seconds for GC than he is about another stage win…Yes, just as planned: Van Aert shall chase down Stybar, and Van Der Poel shall follow. Good. And with 200 meters to go? Even though it is time for Van Der Poel to take a win here, let’s have Wout put up a good fight in the sprint to take second and more Bonus Seconds. Thus, three stages in, this Cycling Odysseys critic’s three current favorite riders of Van Aert, Alaphilippe, and Van Der Poel—the ones who Make His Day whenever they win—shall each have won a stage, and the racing shall have been undeniably ferocious to boot. But I, Neptune Lord of the Seven Seas and King of the Ocean, am by no means finished yet designing this greatest edition of my race.
“Yes, next we come to the weekend. The days we must make count most. Let’s see, what can I do with this Stage 4? It ends with a 14 km climb averaging 7% to Prati Di Tivo—a proper summit finish even by the standards of the Grand Tours. Let’s see, let’s see. Mathieu Van Der Poel will just need to pull the plug at the bottom and save his energy for the days to come…ah! I already have future plans for him. Let’s see, with Tadej Pogacar (UAE), Egan Bernal, Geraint Thomas, Simon Yates, Julian Alaphilippe, Mikel Landa, Joao Almeida, Romain Bardet (Team DSM), Vincenzo Nibali (Trek-Segafredo), and Nairo Quintana (Arkea-Samsaic) all here, this really would be impressive if Wout Van Aert wearing the Blue Race Leader’s Jersey can stay in contention for the GC win through this stage. Yes, that will be the plan: let’s put this Cycling Odysseys Santino’s favorite big-muscled Classics man amongst the light climbers who bounce up the steep roads like mountain goats high in the cliffs. And let’s have the attacks start early from the bottom. Let’s have Ineos race like Brazil, Egan Bernal and Geraint Thomas each launching some attacks to get the GC men to all respond and create a stop-start uneven rhythm. Such a routine will not be conducive to Van Aert and he shall have to set a more even pace he knows he can maintain, and thus he will ride on the front of the group of favorites who shall use him like a metronome. What uncharted territory this is going to be for this reigning Swiss Army Knife Wout Van Aert! Let’s have Pogacar cover Bernal’s attack and tease a showdown between the two all think are the Grand Tour stars of the present and future. But let’s not actually put on that proper show yet so that Wout is still in contention, let’s have them sit up and eye each other while they are brought back by Wout’s even pace. Then, a little further up, when the time is right, let’s have Pogacar strike out again with Geraint Thomas in a race winning move. Wout shall have to continue the even pace behind and work to limit his losses to the threatening Pogacar only 20 seconds behind on GC. Geraint Thomas won’t be on good enough form yet to stay with Pogacar, because he does not need to be ready until July. So let’s have him fall back, but let’s not make this too easy for Pogacar. Let’s have Simon Yates chase Pogacar down, to scare and haunt him: for Pogacar just beat his brother Adam Yates (Ineos Grenadiers) at the UAE Tour a fortnight ago. Pogacar can ride to the win of the stage, and let’s even have him take the Blue Jersey of Race Leader. But how good should we have Wout Van Aert do? He really is one of the mentally toughest people that has ever lived: he can handle quite a bit of pain to achieve his goal. Here, this shall make the ride all the more impressive: let’s have his pace shell out living Italian legend Vincenzo Nibali now so clearly hampered by old age, and the French hopefuls Romain Bardet and Julian Alaphilippe, too, for good measures. And let’s have those gassed Grenadiers, Bernal and Thomas, drop behind him as well: thus Wout Van Aert of big Classics build shall distance three former Tour de France champions on a proper summit finish. What a tale that shall make! Yes, let’s have him stay within a shout of Pogacar for the GC lead. Let the race not be decided yet, let’s keep this close for the rest of the week. Let this mighty Wout Van Aert only lose 46 seconds to Tadej Pogacar, the reigning Tour de France Champion on such a proper tough mountain. That all shall make for a fine Queen Stage in anyone’s book.
“But let’s not let the race let up after such a massive Queen Stage, let’s turn Sunday’s Stage 5 into a brutal King Stage long to be remembered. It looks like a hilly circuit of short steep climbs, similar to the Amstel Gold race, shall be on tap for the riders this day. And Pogacar will be some 35 seconds up on Van Aert for the GC lead. Perhaps, this shall be the day the race is decided. Yes, this Cycling Odysseys critic says there is only one big day in the mountains, and then if it is still close the Time Trial at the end might matter to decide it. Let’s burn-up that script…or should we waterlog it into oblivion? Ha, ha! I am after all Neptune the Sea-god, let the clouds take in the Adriatic’s waters, and let them dose all the riders to the marrow of the bone. And if Aeolus lets his winds blow uncontrollably all day, we shall have the most Biblical Weather of the year thus far. Yes, the wind and rain shall tear up the peloton with still 80 km to go. Bernal and Van Der Poel, Pogacar and Van Aert shall all launch attacks to make race defining selections. Van Aert will have to watch Pogacar closely, and try to find some seconds to shrink his 35 second deficit on GC. Meanwhile, Pogacar shall have to keep an eye on Wout as well, for Pogacar shall know Wout Van Aert is one of the few finer Time Triallist than himself. Thus, when Van Der Poel attacks solo with some 50 km still to ride, Pogacar shall not mark him for Van Der Poel is 20 minutes down on GC. And thus archrival Wout Van Aert will not mark him either, because he will be trying to fry the bigger fish in Tadej Pogacar, his top rival for the Tirreno-Adriatico GC. But the other reason Van Aert shall not cover the Van Der Poel attack will be because he is too cold and uncomfortable: he shall need to measure his effort well to make sure he can get to the finish intact without losing time on GC and too much internal body heat. Mathieu Van Der Poel, that Madman who dazzles with such stunning long-range attacks, will of course ride with unruly strength but the exploit will look more the norm than novel compared to his other Mad achievements. He shall ride on in the cold and wind in just his skin-tight Dutch Champion’s Jersey while all the others put on warm jackets and vests. He shall show great strength, and yet he shall remind me of sad Icarus I once knew. Just when it shall seem his dominant victory is assured, it shall become clear he’s measured his effort wrong. He shall be stuffing his face with more bars of fuel, and he shall look cold on the bike. Behind, seeing Van Aert’s discomfort and exhaustion, Pogacar in the Blue Jersey of race leader shall go on the attack to build a more comfortable GC advantage. None shall keep pace with Pogacar, not Bernal, nor Quintana, the only GC contender who shall keep him within a shout shall be that mighty Wout Van Aert himself—despite his freezing exhaustion. In the last 25 km, Pogacar shall gobble up Van Der Poel’s lead as he works to distance Van Aert behind. But Wout Van Aert shall ride him close as best he can, Pogacar’s gap to Wout shall grow to a minute at one point, but Wout shall fight to the end to defend his GC chances. Meanwhile, as Pogacar is emotionally fueled to distance Wout Van Aert behind, in the process he shall find Mathieu Van Der Poel ahead in his crosshairs for stage honors. Yes, yes, it will be another complete tactical error on Van Der Poel’s part, and he will admit in the interview after what is sure to be an unforgettable line in his legend: that he only attacked with 50 km to go because he was cold…badass logic to be sure, but tactically completely undisciplined or inept. With 10 km to go, Van Der Poel shall still have around 90 seconds on Pogacar, with 5 km to go still a minute. But in that last 5k that will mostly climb steeply or unendingly drag up to the finish line, Tadej Pogacar shall come within 10 seconds of eating up all of Mathieu Van Der Poel’s lead. Yes, Van Der Poel shall take a second stage this race, but at what cost to the man? And behind? We shall have Wout Van Aert finish 40 seconds behind Pogacar: it shall end Van Aert’s GC-winning hopes—surely unexpected by the Cycling Odysseys critic before the start of this stage that seemed in Wout’s wheelhouse and favor—but Wout Van Aert shall still seem to have rode valiantly to keep the great Pogacar on any sort of leash.
“Yes, yes, it is all coming together. Though admittedly, even I, Neptune Lord of the Seven Seas and King of the Ocean, may have pushed the limits of these riders over five such stages—but it is all because this Cycling Odysseys Santino critic said my race’s stages are never uncontrollable or wild enough! But on this Stage 6, like the survivors of a hurricane and shipwreck, the peloton shall trudge on battered, bruised, and spent. The sprinters and their teams shall not chase down the break, the men still daring enough to go in the early break after such a hard week shall be rewarded by contesting the finish for the win amongst themselves. Who shall win? Who shall win? Perhaps Mads Wurtz Schmidt (Israel Start-Up Nation), for he will have rode so bravely in the breakaway and up the Prati Di Tivo climb on Stage 4. And then in the final San Benedetto Time Trial the next day, I shall throw this Cycling Odysseys critic one last surprise. Tadej Pogacar shall do a good ride and retain the Blue Jersey and receive my Trident as winner of the Tirreno-Adriatico. But it will not be the reigning Time Trial Champion of the World Filipo “Top” Ganna (Ineos Grenadiers) who shall take the final TT Stage victory, as all have predicted. He will not be able to best the time of Stefan Kung (Groupama-FDJ) set early on, and yet Stefan Kung’s time will be best at the end…by the man who shall finish second overall on GC: Wout Van Aert, to poetically book end this ultimate edition with a second stage win.
Thus Tirreno-Adriatico shall play out so. Thus, just like at Strade Bianche a week before, the race shall be dominated by Van Der Poel, Van Aert, Pogacar, Bernal, and Alaphilippe. When it is completed as I say, I shall expect an answer from this Cycling Odysseys doubter who gave such an unfavorable preview of my beloved race. Thus speak I, King Neptune, god of the Sea.”
And thus I, Patrick Santino, the creator and writer of all the Cycling Odysseys material, feel in my own much smaller way like Job at the end of his titled-book, for I have seen these events play out and I admit I have been properly trounced by King Neptune these past seven days. I have learned my lesson as I watched my favorite riders do unbridled battle for stage after exciting stage. Like Job, I too am speechless, never again will I underestimate or doubt Neptune’s Tirreno-Adriatico—the Race of the Two Seas.
Cycling Odysseys 